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Reflections upon having found “The One”

I had so many good thoughts in my head before, when I didn’t have a chance to write this, and then after that I had been lacking motivation for a few days (or maybe weeks), and now I have motivation but have lost some of the thoughts.  I am hoping that while writing, it will come to me.

For my second disclaimer, I had originally started this blog with the intention of not including anything personal, but now I am going to.  I got engaged a little over a month ago, and actually chose to be “with” him not too long before that, as (long story, but…) we had been friends for a long time and I knew he wanted to marry me so me choosing to be with him was me agreeing to marry him.  We had basically been dating for a while but I was in denial.

So…my world kinda turned upside down.  Not in a bad way at all whatsoever, but I have a ton of ambition; I had a plan for my life.  And including someone in your future has an effect on that, so I want to share my interpretation of what it is to fall in love with someone and want to share forever with them.  I am not sure if my experience is a universal thing, but I feel that it needs sharing.

I wasn’t the kind of girl that thought I didn’t need men, like in the “ever” sense.  I didn’t NEED men; I am perfectly strong, capable, intelligent, and motivated by myself.  I could have been single and had an awesome life.  I am a hopeless romantic though, and I most definitely wanted my own Prince Charming.  It could have worked fine either way.  Preferred the Prince Charming of course, but I would have survived just fine until I found him.  I wasn’t ever picky, but I didn’t want to just settle for anyone.  I believe marriage is forever and you do what it takes to make it forever, so I was going to be as sure as someone could possibly be.  However, there were these things that I felt were SO important to who I was, that I would NOT give them up for ANY man, and I would not marry a man that would force me to give them up.  My list had things like living in California (I have not made it there yet, still working on it), having a good job, traveling, and as far as relationships go, would NOT be in long distance relationship.

My Prince Charming, as I mentioned before, was my friend for several years first.  He wanted to marry me when he met me (love at first sight is true, eh?), but I took a long time.  So it wasn’t this meeting and evaluating to see if he could be the man for me.  I mean it sorta was, since I knew he wanted to marry me (not from the beginning though), but I thought it wouldn’t work out all along.  So I never thought about how our future would look, because I didn’t think we had a future.  We became closer and closer friends though, and he joined the Navy and left for bootcamp and training, at which point I realized that I really couldn’t live without him.  So the “official” relationship started while he was gone, and he’s still gone, so the entire thing has been nothing but long distance.  Something I swore I would never do, but as I can’t imagine life without him, it is what I am doing.

Other things that have changed are that, since he is in the Navy, I basically have zero control over my future.  I hate not being in control.  I have always needed to be in control.  He wants to live in California, and he is trying to get us down there, but he can’t guarantee it.  We could end up somewhere else.  I also had applied for my dream job that I have wanted for most of my life, and got rejected, which I found out at some point either right before we “officially” got together or soon after.  Despite wanting it most of my life, I am perfectly fine with not getting it, because it would be somewhat impractical for being married and especially with him in the Navy.  I am perfectly content following him and supporting him, and then working my life around where his takes us.  It helps that him being in the Navy actually helps me live out my dream, while not the exact job, similar enough that I can live vicariously through him and be proud of him and support him.

This has all sounded so unromantic so far.  What I’m trying to say, is that I had A Plan for my life, that I was sure was what I wanted, and no man could take that from me, because it was what I Wanted.  But finding someone that I LOVE, that he alone makes me happy, all I need is him.  I can drop everything that I had spent years of my life dreaming about, and saying I would never sacrifice, because the only important thing to me is to be with him.  We did have a discussion about me not being able to sacrifice EVERYTHING for him, there is a limit…not to my love, of course, but some of our life does have to be for me.  But it is amazing to me that things I was 100% set on I was able to drop with minimal resistance, and no regret.

I don’t know what I am trying to say.  I know that you, the readers, will interpret this all sorts of ways, but I am not the type of girl to say that the wife should always follow her man, and his dreams are the most important.  They are for me though.  That is what I want.  But that is not what I thought I wanted.  I am also not saying that you should be willing to sacrifice your dreams for someone.  I think, that if you really love someone, you should be able to, but they also shouldn’t require it of you, and he is definitely not requiring it of me.  No matter what, he wants me to be happy.  He will do everything in his power to make me happy.  So I’m not saying my story is or should be the exact same for everyone, but I am trying to say hey, look what happened in my story.  Love is amazing.

Maybe what I am trying to say is that before I knew TRUE love, I thought I had it all figured out, and I thought I had my life planned out, and I thought that I would refuse to change that.  And then I found Love, and nothing mattered.  I believe I have loved before, but it has never been like this.  The most important thing to each of us is the other person’s happiness.  And I think that is part of how you know that it’s true love.  I’m just a beginner at this, of course.  But it has been so powerful and surprising to me, that I wanted to share my beginner’s view on things.  Love can turn your world upside down.

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Hopeless Romantic

It all started with the Disney movies. Talk of feminism and independence was completely foreign. I wanted Prince Charming to come sweep me off my feet!

It was never as romantic as I imagined. One time Once upon a time, it was exactly as romantic as I imagined; more so. It was perfect! Prince Charming came and swept me off my feet. All I did was sit there, look lovely, and be swept.

After not long, it stopped being perfect. I was extremely hurt. “But it was so perfect!” It then left me scarred and scared to try again. Partially because I was tired of being hurt, and partially because I was afraid it would never be so perfect again.

I don’t know where we go from here. Maybe being a hopeless romantic is bad. Maybe, starting with Disney movies, I was ruined. I’m still not convinced though. I still have a glimmer of hope.

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electric blue running shoes

Love this blog. The writing is excellent…it took me forever to pick which post to reblog. I can’t even think of words to say…

my delusions

Seemingly out of nowhere, Electric Blue Running Shoes texts me,

Hey do you remember kissing
me what it was like?

   It is tempting to text back,

How about you refresh 
my memory?

But that would be a bad idea.

Also a cliché.

So instead I ignore him.

For about two hours.

(Electric Blue is not one to be ignored.)

This is important. Do you
have a specific memory
of kissing me?

Really, Electric Blue? It is important that I respond to a text out of left field regarding a kiss we shared last winter?

Okay, fine…

 

images-1The elevator doors open to reveal a man on the seventh floor jogging in place. I feel like he should be embarrassed. I know for certain that I am embarrassed for him. But he is somehow oblivious, immune. And he unashamedly just high knees it into the elevator, turns, and continues jogging in…

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Sometime Around Midnight

And it starts
Sometime around midnight
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
For a minute or two

As you stand
Under the bar lights
And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile
And that white dress she’s wearing, you haven’t seen her
For a while

But you know
That she’s watching
She’s laughing, she’s turning
She’s holding her tonic like a cross
The room suddenly spinning, she walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there’s a change
In your emotions
And all of these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind
Of the curl of your bodies, like two perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless, and homeless, and lost in the haze of the wine

And she leaves
With someone you don’t know
But she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
Your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes
And then your friends say “What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

And you walk
Under the streetlights
And you’re too drunk to notice that everyone’s staring at you
You don’t care what you look like
The world is falling around you

You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her

You know that she’ll break you in two

~The Airborne Toxic Event